"Oh, bugger."
Remus couldn't help the exclamation that escaped him as he stumbled tiredly against the sharp corner of the wall, eyes narrowed at the pain which flared in his shoulder from the impact. Even after almost an entire day of sleep following the previous night's full moon he was still tired and sluggish, and clumsy with it. He hated the way his body continued to betray him for two to three days after his transformation, his normally sharp responses diminished, his movements slowed and uncertain. Gritting his teeth against the throb he continued towards the kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place, tea far too important to his well-being at the moment to let a developing bruise keep him from it.
So intent was he on his goal that he almost overlooked the man seated at the kitchen table, head lowered and shoulders slumped in an uncharacteristic pose of defeat. It was only when Severus moved, unstoppering a vial and starting to raise it to his lips that Remus noticed him. Which was approximately one second before the scent of the concoction the Potions Master was about to drink reached the werewolf's nostrils.
Remus moved with speed he normally wasn't capable of following a full moon, crossing the two paces to the table and knocking the vial from Severus' hands with an exclamation of horror. The fragile glass impacted on the hard wood of the tabletop, shattering sharply, and the thick scent of the potion filled the room.
"What the bloody hell do you think you are doing, Lupin?" the Potions Master snarled, glaring up at Remus with undisguised fury in his black eyes. His pale hands were clenched into fists on the table, but even that didn't disguise the fact that they were trembling.
"I could ask you the same thing, Severus," the werewolf snapped back angrily, amazed at the depth of fury that beset him at the thought of what Severus had been about to do. He looked at the thick smear of viscous liquid that marred the table top, interspersed with shards of glass that glittered in the light. The dark substance even looked evil to the his eyes, and the scent which rose from it was unmistakable to his sensitive nose. "I know that the Dark Lord has put you through a great deal recently, but I had no idea things had gotten so bad that you would try to kill yourself."
Severus' widened for a moment in shock, before he rolled them in disgust and gave a mirthless laugh. "I was not attempting to poison myself, Lupin. Unlike you Gryffindors, I am not given to melodramatic displays nor do I actively seek to end my life in some idiotic, vainglorious way."
The obvious reference to Sirius made Remus want to growl, but he held himself in check against what seemed to be an obvious attempt to distract him from the situation at hand. "I'm no fool, Severus, despite what you think," he replied, whipping out his wand and removing the mess with a quick 'Scourgify'. Then he looked back at the other man, expression hard. "I smelled it - Nightshade has a very distinctive odor, you know. And there is only one reason to drink Deadly Nightshade that I can think of; a reason, which is, indeed, both idiotic and melodramatic."
The Potions Master snorted, and Remus found himself relaxing slightly now that the paleness of Severus' cheeks had given way to a flush - even if it was caused by anger - and the trembling of the man's long, sensitive fingers had seemed to ease. "Lupin, you are a fool. It wasn't Deadly Nightshade, it was Woody Nightshade, a different concoction entirely," he spat.
Remus frowned, confusion driving away his anger. He sank down into a chair opposite the Potions Master, suddenly feeling foolish. "Woody Nightshade?" It was possible that he could have made a mistake, and the glare in the black eyes of the man facing him seemed to back that up, but still...
"Yes." The Potions Master sighed, his own anger seeming to drain from him suddenly as his dark eyes became distant. "Woody Nightshade, combined with Rue and Monk's Berry. Nothing deadly about it, Lupin, but unfortunately due to your untimely interference and destruction of my last vial, I am now going to have to return to Hogwarts to construct an entirely new batch."
Pushing back his chair, Severus rose to his feet in an almost painful motion, and Remus watched him walk towards the door as he contemplated the ingredients the Potions Master had listed. There was something familiar about that combination, something that he seemed to recall from whispered conversations years ago in the boy's dormitory, when they had teased each other with horror stories of things put into the food at school to keep teenagers under control.
Remus suddenly stared in wide-eyed shock as it came to him. "Severus, why are you taking an anaphrodisiac?"
The Potions Master whirled back towards the werewolf, the shocked consternation on his face telling Remus that he his memories were correct about that particular concoction. "That is none of your business, Lupin!" The anger was back in full force, as well as something Remus thought might be a hint of panic.
For a moment he almost let the issue go, but then Remus recalled something else as well, about what taking libido-suppressing potions could do to the body. "Severus, taking something like that for an extended time... well, it's dangerous, isn't it? I seem to remember that prolonged exposure can leave a man, well, unable to function. Permanent damage to the nerves or something."
"You hardly need to point out the risks to me!" Severus' lips were thin and white with anger, his eyes cold and hard. "I assure you I am bloody well cognizant of the inherent dangers. I know what I am doing, Lupin - and I will thank you to keep your opinions and your knowledge of this to yourself!"
There was something in the Potions Master's pale face, some bare trace of vulnerability that struck at Remus in a very fundamental way. It spoke of a desperation and pain beyond anything Remus had suspected, hinted at a sacrifice even greater than the ones Remus knew Severus had already made for the good of the Order. He couldn't help the concern that welled up in him, the sympathy for the suffering that was so evident in Severus' face. "Why, Severus?" he asked softly, rising to his feet and crossing to stand only a few feet away from the wary Potions Master. "Why are you doing this, taking something to suppress your libido? I am willing to bet that Albus doesn't know -"
"He does not - and you will not tell him!" the dark-haired wizard hissed dangerously, hand seeming to move almost instinctively for his wand. But he didn't draw it, for which Remus was grateful.
Sighing, Remus considered Severus' demand. Once again there had been that brief flash in the Potions Master's dark eyes, a hint of fear or trepidation; not as much at the thought of being discovered, Remus thought, as of the fear any man would have when thinking that his ability to function as a man, to ever attain physical gratification again, might be permanently taken from him. "Tell me why you are taking it, and I swear that I won't tell Albus anything," he said finally.
Severus stared back angrily, fists clenched at his sides. But there must have been something about Remus' promise, or perhaps it was just the need to share his pain - although Remus was privately quite certain Severus never would admit to that being a reason - that caused him to relent. Relaxing slightly, Severus ran a distracted hand through his hair before sighing and beginning to explain. "A curse. The Dark Lord is suspicious of me, and... displeased. He placed a curse on me, one that causes natural... urges... to be enhanced, to the point of near madness." A sudden flush came to Severus' pale cheeks as he spoke, but he was a very proud man, and he did not drop his eyes. Instead he continued in a remote, almost clinical voice, as though relating something that had happened to someone else. "The problem cannot be alleviated by self-gratification, and I cannot have the curse removed because he would know I had done so, and the consequences would leave Albus without a convenient spy. Therefore, as I am sure is evident to even one of your intellect, Lupin, the potion is my only recourse, as Albus would no doubt frown upon me molesting the students, even due to the effects of a curse."
The werewolf gazed back at the dark-haired man in horror. This was far worse than anything he had imagined, an unbelievable abomination. "Sweet Merlin," he whispered, half raising a hand as though to touch the other man. "Severus, there has to be another way, something that won't cause you to suffer permanent damage. It's not worth it!"
"The only other solution is one not that is available to me," the Potions Master replied coldly. "I do not have a lover, and have not had one for quite a number of years due to the nature of my situation. The alternative is to employ a professional, but that has security risks of which I am certain even you must be aware. Now that you have pried extremely personal information from me, Lupin, I will excuse myself. Thanks to your assistance, I am in for several very uncomfortable hours until I can brew more of the potion."
Severus turned abruptly, moving as if to brush by Remus in a swirl of dark robes. But the werewolf put a firm hand on one dark-clad shoulder, stopping Severus in place. "Severus, I can help you," he said, urgently and sincerely. "This isn't right or fair, and you might not normally have ever chosen me for a lover, but..."
The calmness of Remus' voice was meant to be soothing, but Severus turned a burning gaze on him. "I do not need your sympathy, Lupin, nor do I need your help!" he spat, outraged. "I still have enough pride to want to suffer this indignity in silence rather than accept arrogant Gryffindor pity..."
It was a denial, and that was unacceptable; and so Remus responded to it in the only way possible. Moving his hand from Severus' shoulder, he curved it around the taller man's neck, taking Severus by surprise as he pulled the Potions Master down, claiming his lips in a hard, demanding kiss.
Severus went completely still for a long moment, shock freezing him defensively in place. But then he began to tremble with what Remus was certain must be a ferocious inner struggle, between his desire to fight against Remus' kiss and the power of the curse that was driving him, unchecked now by the inhibiting potion. But the outcome had been inevitable, and with a groan, Severus swept his arms around the smaller man, pulling him into a fierce embrace, parting Remus' lips with a hot, insistent tongue.
As though the kiss had broken open the floodgates of his control, Severus took over the situation. Driven by mounting desperation, Severus stripped the clothing from both of them before spinning Remus around and bending him over the kitchen table. There was nothing lover-like in their coupling, which was sudden, urgent, and almost violent. Severus did manage to retain enough control to whisper the preparatory spells, for which Remus was intensely grateful. Even so Remus gasped from the pain of the invasion, nails clawing deeply into the wood of the table.
It was over quickly, and Remus was fairly certain that the shuddering of Severus' body was as much from revulsion as from pleasure. Even if it were, Severus hesitated for only a moment before moving a hand to help Remus find his own release. A release which wasn't long in arriving, since Remus had been as celibate as Severus had apparently been for the last several years.
Gradually their heartbeats slowed, their breathing eased, and Remus straightened up. He turned, smiling, unembarrassed and hoping to make Severus feel the same.
Severus stepped back, regarding Remus warily. But the smile must have reassured him, for the Potions Master did not object when Remus stepped forward and kissed him softly, almost chastely, on his now relaxed lips. "Wasn't that better than a repressing potion? And far less dangerous in the long run," Remus murmured.
Something glittered for a moment in Severus' eyes, but when he spoke his voice was neutral, almost laconic. "I will consider that compensation for the destruction of the potion," he said, pulling his wand and casting a cleaning charm on both of them. Then Severus bent, picking up and pulling on his clothing, while Remus watched, unconcerned with his own nudity.
"Severus," the werewolf said finally, when the dark-haired wizard looked ready to take his leave.
"If you are expecting an apology, Lupin, I have no intention of..." the Potions Master began, but broke off abruptly when Remus shook his head and laid a hand gently on his arm.
"Of course I don't. I owed you that, and not just for breaking the vial," Remus interrupted quietly. Severus stared back intently, seeming to be expecting sarcasm, to be searching for it; the vulnerability of that action was so heartbreaking that Remus decided to take a risk of his own. "Look, Severus. You help me with my curse every month by making the Wolfsbane for me. You have never accepted anything from me in payment, stating it was for the good of the Order. Well, for the good of the Order... don't take any more of that repressing potion. I want... I would like for you to come to me, instead. I might not be who you would choose for a lover under other circumstances, but you have need of me. I won't tell anyone of your condition, and I will be available to you any time you are, well, in need. Consider it a fair trade, if you would like, for you helping me with my problem."
There was a long pause. Severus looked at Remus, seemed to look through him, before coming to an abrupt decision. Nodding briefly, the Potions Master moved to the door. "I will return tomorrow evening at this time," he said.
Severus left without a backwards glance, and Remus stood staring at the closed door for a long time, lost in thought.
They were not having an affair. Instead, Severus preferred calling their involvement an arrangement.
It definitely was an arrangement, Remus acknowledged silently. Even one that he himself had instigated, although he had had no idea that his impulsive decision to interfere in Severus' life would end up evolving in quite the manner which it had. Not that he regretted it in the slightest - and, if given the choice, he would have made the same decision, acted in the same manner. Unfortunately, therein lay the crux of his problem.
The werewolf sprawled on the sofa in the silent sitting room of 12 Grimmauld Place, chin propped on his hand while he stared moodily into the fire. He was waiting, as he so often seemed to do these days, for Severus to return from a summons to Voldemort. Watching, waiting, worrying - although he did not dare to tell the Potions Master of the last. Any words from him that contained anything which might remotely be construed to involve emotion were met with suspiciously narrowed dark eyes, and a curl of Severus' thin lips. Severus had very definitely boundaries, almost a visible line drawn around himself which was not to be crossed. Remus had quickly learned that while the dark-haired wizard would accept his need for the physical release which Remus provided him, Severus made it clear he had absolutely no interest in developing that liaison into an emotional attachment.
Unfortunately for Remus, keeping all feelings out of his interactions with Severus was becoming more and more difficult with each passing day.
Remus could hardly believe that it had been four months since that night in the kitchen which had started it all. He and Severus had been together almost every day since, had shagged in nearly every room in Grimmauld Place, and in Severus' quarter's at the school. They had had sex when Severus was angry with students, or annoyed with Albus, or dreading a summons from the Dark Lord. They had coupled when the Potions Master had been distracted with the myriad things that occupied his time and thoughts, and when Severus had been almost too exhausted physically to participate, only the intense need engendered by his curse forcing him to it. They had been together when Remus was exhausted from his transformation, or from a mission for the Order. There had even been a few wonderful, glorious occasions upon which they had made love, times when Severus had seemed nearly relaxed, and been close to tender in his attentions to their mutual pleasure. Times when Severus stayed for the whole night, and even though his needs had been attended to, had acted almost as though he wanted Remus' company. Times when they woke and made love again in the early morning light, before Severus rose and went back to Hogwarts.
It had been after the first of those times that Remus realized that he had fallen in love.
He couldn't tell Severus, of course. The few cautious times that Remus had attempted to hint there might now be more between them than mere assistance for Severus' curse had been met with stony silence. And yet Remus couldn't help hoping desperately that his feelings were returned, and that natural reticence was all that kept Severus from admitting that their arrangement had become something more. Much more, he sincerely hoped.
The clock chimed twice, and Remus pulled himself from his thoughts, frowning in concern. It was, of course, possible that Severus had returned to Hogwarts instead of coming to Grimmauld Place as he had stated earlier that evening that he would; but oddly enough, the surly Potions Master had been almost incredibly considerate during the course of their liaison in informing Remus if his plans changed. Therefore either the Dark Lord was requiring Severus' presence for an extended time, or... Remus clamped down on the direction of his thoughts. He refused to allow himself to imagine that anything horrible could have happened to Severus.
Remus wasn't aware that he had started counting the ticks of the clock until a sound at the front door startled him at two-thousand-four-hundred-thirty-seven. He was on his feet immediately, turning to face the door as it opened to admit the tall, dark form of his lover.
There was a strangely empty look on the Potions Master's pale face, the black eyes dull and listless. Remus had seen Severus tired, had seen him upset, angry, hurt, exhausted - but this was different. Never before had the werewolf seen Severus looking utterly lost.
"What is it?" Remus asked, crossing swiftly to Severus' side. "What did he do to you, Severus? Damn him, not another curse!" The werewolf felt like snarling in rage, infuriated at the thought that Voldemort might have heaped yet more suffering upon the man he loved. He was even too angry to care if Severus thought he was showing too much emotion.
Almost in a daze, Severus turned to face Remus, eyes flat. "No, nothing like that, Lupin," he said, voice quiet, almost dead sounding. "In fact, I have come to tell you that I was rewarded tonight for my faithfulness. It is over. The Dark Lord has lifted the curse, and so your services shall no longer be required."
The fury boiling in Remus' blood suddenly turned to icy disbelief. "Over?" he parroted, stunned. "You mean you... we..."
Hollow dismay washed over Remus, as he gazed in horror at the man before him. He knew he should be happy for Severus, pleased that the compulsive curse that had driven the Potions Master had been removed, that Severus' free will had been restored to him. After all, wouldn't he himself be glad if his lycanthropy could be removed so easily? If the forces beyond his control that drove him were taken away as though they had never existed? Of course he would. But now, as he stood staring back at Severus in shock, all that he could manage to feel was an incredible sense of loss.
Severus didn't need him any longer. With the curse removed, their arrangement was at an end, and with it any hopes Remus had that he could somehow, someday get Severus to feel something more for him.
"Yes, over," the Potions Master said with stiff formality. "I am certain that you will be pleased, Lupin, once the surprise wears off. You will no longer feel the need to repay me for the Wolfsbane potion; I assure you that any debt you might feel in that regard has been repaid many times over."
"I..." He didn't know what to say. What could he say, when Severus was being even colder and more distant than he had been before they were intimate? Now that it was over -- Remus winced at the finality of that word -- perhaps Severus felt embarrassed at having needed Remus, at having let Remus in, let Remus see a part of him that very few people had?
"Thank you for your assistance with my problem," Severus said, his tone so remote that Remus thought he might as well have already left the house. "I will return to the school now. Good evening."
Remus watched in disbelief as Severus turned and began to walk away, out of Remus' life as though they had not made love - really made love, in Remus' opinion - that very morning. Could Severus really care so little? Had the last four months only been about alleviating a need, with no attachment at all?
There was a pain deep in his chest, so powerful and overwhelming that Remus thought he might actually die of it. His vision blurred, and he swayed on his feet. Severus was going without a backwards glance or a single regret, and Remus felt his heart shatter silently within him.
The sound of the door opening reached him, even though Remus couldn't see it. He didn't want to see it, didn't want to watch as Severus walked out of his life. Don't go. Please, don't leave me, Severus. I don't want it to be over. It's not about necessity, or curses, or a convenient arrangement. It's about love. I love you, Severus. I want you to stay.
Remus heard the door close, and he couldn't help the small sound of loss that escaped him. Turning blindly, he sagged into the nearest chair, suddenly too weak to stand.
Over. It's over.
Remus dropped his head into his hands, feeling an emptiness beyond loss. He didn't know how he could go back to the way things had been before. How he could go on without Severus in his life.
He was so withdrawn in his own pain that he wasn't even aware that someone had crossed the room and knelt before his chair, until a hand was under his chin, urging his head up. Remus gasped in surprise as he looked into Severus' pale, serious face, the dark eyes burning with an intensity that Remus had noticed a few times before. Times after they had been particularly intimate, the times which had given Remus the faint hope which he had held onto like a lifetime.
"Do you?" Severus asked, thumb caressing along Remus' jaw almost tenderly. "It's not obligation for the potion, or Gryffindor nobility? You really want me to stay? You... love me?"
The words were spoken with a hesitancy that Remus had never heard from Severus before, almost as though Severus were afraid that he would suddenly laugh at the notion that he could possibly be in love with someone like Severus Snape. It was then that Remus realized he must have spoken his pain out loud, and Severus had heard.
"Yes," Remus acknowledged. His voice was soft, and he tried to keep it from sounding pleading and needy. He wasn't certain why Severus was still here, and he didn't want to risk driving Severus away by appearing too emotional, too demanding, when Severus had not reacted well to that before.
There was silence between them for a long time as they stared at each other. Remus began to wonder if Severus was ever going to speak, what Severus was thinking, what he was feeling in the face of Remus' unwitting admission. Hope was born and died within him it seemed a hundred times in that space of time, which could have been a minute or an hour, as he stared raptly into Severus' eyes, drowning in those heated black depths.
"Are you certain?" Severus asked, finally, voice still uncharacteristically soft. "You aren't mistaking physical closeness for something deeper?"
"Are you mistaking something deeper for mere physical closeness?" Remus asked in response. "I know what I feel, Severus. Do you?"
"I have never been in love," came the response, and Remus felt as though his heart had stopped, sinking like a lead weight within his chest. Then Severus continued, his voice almost inaudible. "Until now."
The heavy pain which had been dragging him down suddenly broke free, and Remus gasped, eyes wide as he stared at Severus in wonder and disbelief.
"You mean... you want to stay?" he asked, almost as though afraid to hear the answer.
A more familiar look of long-suffering exasperation - tinged, however, with something that looked suspiciously like affection - crossed Severus' face. "No, Lupin. I am here in the midst of what is a rather emotional scene because I obviously cannot wait to get away."
"Obviously," Remus repeated, but the word was filled with wonder. He placed a hand over Severus' where it still cradled his chin. He lifted it, bringing it to his lips to brush a gentle kiss over Severus' knuckles, pleased to see Severus' eyes widen and a shiver of pleasure travel wrack his body. "Well, since you can't wait to get away... do you mind terribly if I come with you, wherever it is you are going?"
Severus stood, pulling Remus to his feet at the same time, and stared down at him. One brow was raised haughtily, but again Remus saw the deeper emotions which lay under it. "I take it by that that you wish to continue our arrangement, then?"
"No," Remus said. He raised one hand, curving it behind Severus' neck and pulling Severus down, pressing their lips together in a kiss which progressed rapidly from gentle, to needy, to hot and wet and demanding, as the pent up tensions and uncertainties were suddenly wiped away by the hunger that neither of them had to deny any longer.
Gasping, Severus drew back, the fire in his eyes unmistakable. "No?" he growled.
"I want more," Remus said, then paused, hesitating. "What do you want, Severus?"
Severus considered that. "I want to stay with you all night, and make love with you because we both want it, rather than because I have to do it. I want you to tell me those things that I always stopped you from saying before, because I was worried that you were making the mistake of thinking you felt more for me than sympathy." He paused. "Is that enough more?"
Remus pretended to mull that over, his joy and relief making him feel giddy. "Almost. If you feel like coming upstairs with me and giving me a demonstration of making love because you want to, well... I believe that might be enough more. For today."
With a smirk, Severus pulled Remus back against him, and Remus felt the evidence of Severus' desire pressing hard against him. "That, I believe, can most definitely be arranged."
FINIS
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