Snape In Love - Chapters TwentyFive thru TwentyEight

Chapter 25 - Still Falls the Rain

There was a chill in the air as Hagrid and I travelled in the horseless carriage to Hogsmeade, and I could see my breath in front of me as I huddled deeper into my cloak. I wished I still had my old school scarf, to warm my neck and cover my mouth, and I remembered wearing Severus’ Slytherin scarf on Christmas Day. That had been one of the happiest days of my life, I reflected, and I wondered what on earth had gone wrong.

Hagrid left me to my thoughts for the most part, until we were trundling down the main street towards the Three Broomsticks. As the carriage slowed down he turned to me and said gruffly,

“Are yeh sure yeh want ter go?”

“No, I’m not, but I have to go. It’s for the best.”

“’Ow can it be fer the best when yer both so miserable?”

“We’ll get over it!” I said lightly.

“I doubt tha’!” He eyed me quizzically, unconvinced, and when I made no reply he shook his head, muttering to himself, “As stubborn as they come, an’ no mistake.”

He helped me down from the carriage and my legs began to shake.  Covering my mouth with my hand, I tried not to cry, but failed. I felt so sad, and so alone. Hagrid put his great hand on my shoulder, embarrassed, and said,  “Come on, let’s get yer inside, I’ll have Rosmerta fetch yer a brandy.”

“No, no, I can’t, really, Hagrid. I’ll be fine.”

“Well, why don’t yer let me send fer Hermione?”

“Because she’s part– no. No, it’s okay, really, don’t worry about me. I just need to get on with it, that’s all,” I said, drying my tears with Hagrid’s proffered handkerchief. “This is the hardest part.”

“Hmm, well, if you say so,” he said, unconvinced.

I stepped into the fireplace in the snug at the Three Broomsticks with some trepidation. I took a fistful of Floo powder and shouted,  “The Leaky Cauldron!” and was on my way. I hated travelling by Floo, but it was less traumatic for me than attempting to apparate. I had always found unaccompanied apparition very frightening, and my kidnapping by Lucius Malfoy had made me even more distrustful of it as a means of transport. Floo, while turbulent and not good for my stomach, was nevertheless the preferred option. I could have done it the Muggle way, but sixteen years of living ,for the most part, away from the wizarding world had left me weary of it.

Several fireplaces later, however, I was beginning to see the benefits of more conventional modes of travel. I was dusty, hot, queasy and completely fed up by the time I finally tumbled into a small pension in the middle of nowhere, where a small round wizard clad in rustic clothes awaited me.

“Ah, mademoiselle, vous etes arrives! Ca va?”

My foreign language skills, while competent, were not sufficiently fluent to allow me to be irritable in anything other than my mother tongue, so I simply replied,  “Ca va bien, monsieur. Est-ce que vous allez m’emporter jusqu’au chateau?”

“Oui, oui, Madame Maxime veut bien vous revoir!”

“Merci, monsieur.”

“Je vous en prie. Allons-y!”

We emerged, blinking, into the bright sunlight of an unseasonably warm French day, and I removed my winter cloak before getting on to the donkey-cart that was to be our transport to Beauxbatons. The journey was pleasant, if a little slow, but a combination of too much travel by Floo, strong sunshine and bumpy French country lanes left me feeling very nauseous and a little light headed by the time the chateau shimmered into view.

I was relieved when I could finally get down from the cart, which stopped in a shaded part of the central courtyard of the chateau. The air was rich with the scent of jasmine and wisteria, which climbed the walls and were trained across small gazebos placed in each corner. It was intoxicating, but did nothing to settle my stomach, and I felt on the verge of passing out.
The small wizard must have noticed me steady myself against the cart, because he came bustling round to me and offered his arm, a look of alarm on his kindly face.

“Venez par ici, Mademoiselle. Vous etes malade, non?”

“Non, je ne suis pas malade.”

A shadow fell over me, and a familiar voice said curiously, “No, you are not ill, are you, ma petite? You are…enceinte, n’est-ce pas? ‘Ow you say, pregnant?”

I turned to see Madame Maxime beaming down at me, her arms outstretched. We kissed one another in the usual French fashion, twice on each cheek, then she led me into the cool of the entrance hall and, from there, into an elegantly furnished salon whose picturewindows overlooked manicured lawns which swept down to the river.

Sitting beside me on a very large Louis Quinze style sofa, she regarded me enquiringly.  “I am correct, am I not?”

“How on earth did you know? Apart from Hermione, I’ve only told Madam Pomfrey!”

“Your face looks ill, cherie, but your body, eez blooming, non?”

“I feel sick…” I murmured, wiping perspiration from my forehead.

“Drink zis. It will ‘elp. And zen, you must rest. We will talk later, yes?”

I nodded, and took the proffered glass of iced tea gratefully. Sitting back against the antique silk upholstery, I sipped it and felt myself relax. I felt safe.

We made small talk while we drank, and I gave Madame Maxime a crumpled letter Hagrid had retrieved from deep in his coat outside the Three Broomsticks. She tore it open excitedly and scanned it.

“Oh la la!” she simpered, “My ‘Agrid says ‘e will come to visit me in the ‘olidays, in May!”

Smiling at her fondly, I set down my empty glass and she took that as her cue to suggest that we go to my rooms.

I had been allocated a small suite of rooms almost directly above the salon which we had just left. The door opened on to a small hallway. To the left was the bedroom, decorated in French rustic style with blue gingham and white paintwork, which overlooked the courtyard. Ahead was an elegant marbled bathroom, and to the right a spacious living room with windows on two sides, overlooking the lawns and the river. This room was less formal than the salon we had just left, and I was thankful that the sofas appeared to be far more comfortable, too.

“Thank you, it’s lovely!” I enthused as Madame Maxime fussed around, plumping cushions and straightening curtains.

“We want you to feel at ‘ome while you are wiz us,” she smiled. “Now rest, ma petite!” She swept out out like a galleon in full sail, leaving me to settle in.

House elves had unpacked my luggage as soon as I had arrived, so there was nothing for me to do. I looked out of the window on to the formal gardens below, noting the fantastically shaped topiary which depicted dragons, unicorns, centaurs, hippogriffs and all manner of magical creatures.

“No wonder Hagrid keeps asking Professor Sprout for permission to plant new shrubs,” I mused, “since he loves to be surrounded by magical creatures. He must love it here, walking through the gardens with Madame Maxime…”

I sighed, the thought of their happiness a painful reminder of what I had lost. I wandered into the bedroom and found that the house elves had placed the black lacquered box on my dressing table. I sat on the edge of the soft feather bed and looked at it. I was torn. I wanted to put it in a drawer and try to forget about it, and Severus, but I was drawn to it and picked it up, my hands shaking as I opened it and revealed the emerald inside.

I took it out, and passed my hand over it, saying “Mirror Mirabilis!” as I did so. Indistinct grey shapes gradually came into focus and I saw Severus, hunched over the lectern in his classroom, eyes blazing fire as he spat out some invective at his class. To judge from their reaction he was being even more cutting than usual, and I put the stone back into the box quickly, not wanting to see any more. I did not want to feel responsible for his foul mood, although I knew that I was. In my heart, too, I knew that I didn’t need a magic mirror to tell me how he was feeling. I sighed and lay down on the bed, stroking my belly and telling myself I’d done the right thing.

I managed to avoid being alone with Madam Maxime for the rest of that day. I didn’t feel ready to answer her questions, of which I was sure there would be many. The next day, however, she knocked at my door soon after I had breakfasted, and said, “Come, Ella, ze gardens are in bloom, we will walk!”

I liked Madam Maxime very much, and had found her very easy to talk to the previous year, but I knew that she was not an easy woman to contradict. There was a steely determination behind her smile and I would not be allowed to demur.

Once outside, we began to walk down towards the river. She linked my arm in hers as we went, but since she was at least two feet taller than I was, this made me feel rather like a small child being swept along by its mother. At length we stopped remarking on the mildness of the weather, and admiring the beauty of the landscape and the prettiness of the spring blossoms, and Madam Maxime asked me what I had known she would.

“You are carrying ze child of Professor Snape, non?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Eet eez a secret?”

I nodded.

“Eez a secret even from ‘im?”

“Yes,” I repeated firmly.

“May I ask why?”

“I have my reasons,” I said levelly, looking her in the eye.

She returned my gaze shrewdly. “’Ow long? Three months? Four?”

“Almost four.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “You and ‘e, you ‘ave been through a great deal, cherie.”

Swallowing a sudden lump in my throat, I could not answer. She sighed, and said, “You will see our nurse?”

“No, there’s no need…”

“Ah, but zere is! I promised Dumbly-dorr we would look after you, and so we will! You will see ze nurse.”

Reluctantly I nodded my assent. A physical examination would be useful, I thought, and was in any case overdue. It was unlikely that anyone here would mean me harm.

A curved wooden bridge spanned the river, and we stood in the middle, watching the water underneath dance and splash across the stones on the shallow riverbed.

“It’s lovely here,” I mused, gazing down into the water.

“I come to zis bridge a lot. When I need to zink. Eez vairy tranquille, n’est-ce pas?”

I smiled my agreement, but thinking was the last thing I wanted to do, so I made my way back to the riverbank and dry land.
 

Chapter 26 -- When You're Without Love

Dinner at Beauxbatons Academy was a far more formal affair than at Hogwarts, with the students and staff alike expected to dress in their best dress robes and observe proper etiquette at all times. Breakfast, however, was far more casual than I had been used to, and pastries, fruit and café-au-lait usually sufficed, students often eating in their dormitories while dressing, or even on their way to lessons. Consequently, I tended to breakfast in my suite, often sitting up in bed reading. One day, a week or so after I had arrived, I was doing just that when there was a loud thump at my window, followed by a tapping on the pane. A large white owl was standing on the sill. I jumped down from the bed and lifted the sash window. The owl dropped a letter into my hands and then, with a soft hoot, flew off over the battlements in the direction of the owlery.

The letter bore the Hogwarts crest, and I tore it open impatiently, wondering what it could be. It was from Albus Dumbledore, and my heart sank as I read it. The date had been set for Malfoy’s trial. It was to be held in the courtroom of the Ministry of Magic the following week. I was obliged to attend, and would have to give evidence. That, however, was not all. My evidence had to be given under the influence of Veritaserum, and Severus would be there.

My heart began to race and I ran to the bathroom, heaving as I went. Several minutes later, shaking and sweating, I stripped and stepped into the shower cubicle, turning on the water jets and sinking down until I was sitting with my knees drawn up to my chest.

I didn’t want to give evidence. I had always known I’d have to, but I’d thought Severus would be there with me, giving me strength. Now, I would have to do it alone, and, worse still, I would have to find the courage to face him, too. And to be on my guard, of course. An overwhelming loneliness engulfed me and my tears fell freely as the water from the shower pounded against my head and ran down my face. I missed him. I couldn’t deny it. To love someone so deeply, and then to leave them, was madness! What had I done?

Shakily I got out of the shower and reached for a towel, wrapping it around myself as I went back along the hall into the bedroom and over to the dresser. Opening the drawer I took out the black lacquered box and opened it. Then, I stopped myself. I couldn’t let my emotions rule me like this. What was I thinking? To escape from the lion’s den, only to throw myself back in again? I told myself firmly that nothing had changed. Severus had been responsible for the death of my family, and I had to protect myself and my baby from him now because otherwise we could be next.

I took a deep breath, and took out the emerald. I saw Severus in the staff room, with Dumbledore, McGonagall, Remus and Sirius. He was scowling at Remus, who held out his hands trying to placate him. As I watched, he turned on his heel and swept out of the room, and my view followed him, to see him slam the door behind himself and then sink against the wall, his head bent down and his hair obscuring his face. I saw his shoulders shake, twice, and as the staff room door opened and Remus came out in search of him, he straightened and strode off quickly, misery etched on his face.

I dropped the stone back into the box and shoved it to the back of the drawer of my dresser. I couldn’t stand to see him like that. I assumed that they had just found out the day of the trial, as I had, and that Severus was taking badly the news that he and I would both have to attend.

I dressed slowly, intending to see Madame Maxime at the earliest opportunity and tell her my news. I couldn’t get that last picture of Severus out of my mind, however. He had looked so broken, so sad. I had to see him again, so I took out the box once more, to try to convince myself that I had been wrong to leave him. What I saw chilled me. He was standing over the large cauldron at the end of his classroom, hurling ingredients into it in a rage, his face contorted with bitterness. I dropped the pendant and took several steps backwards, horrified. Turning, I blundered out of the room with tears in my eyes, and fled.

Madame Maxime was most concerned for me when I told her I would soon have to travel to London. I had regained my composure by the time I was ushered into her office, but I could tell that she knew I had been deeply upset.

“Ze voyage will be ‘ard for you,” she said anxiously, fixing me with the penetrating stare that she and Dumbledore could do so well. “You will see Professor Snape there, yes? At ze trial?”

“Yes.”

“And will you…’ow you say…be friendly?”

I knew what she meant, and replied,

“I doubt it. He was never the easiest of people to talk to before we – when we first met. I should think he’d probably want to avoid me.” Either that or tear me to shreds with his words, I thought.

“Eet makes you vairy, vairy sad,” she observed, shaking her head sympathetically.

“Yes…” I whispered, with a lump in my throat.

“Zen, why are you ‘ere, cherie?”

“It – it just wasn’t meant to be.”

She sat back and looked at me thoughtfully. “Zat could be true, zere are some zings zat are not meant to be. But zen, zere are ozzers zat are meant to be. Zey are written in ze moon and ze stars, and no matter ‘ow much we run, we must confront zem and embrace zem in ze end, before we find our ‘appiness. Eez eet not so?”

I looked at her curiously. Her words were so familiar, and I realised I had heard those same words from Dumbledore’s lips, to Severus in the Pensieve, and to me on the night of the Valentine’s Ball.

“Madame Maxime, I’ll be given Veritaserum. I’m afraid I’ll be made to tell the whole court about the baby. I don’t want him to find out, especially not like that!”

“Ze Veritaserum will not be denied. Eef you are asked a direct question, you will be compelled to answer. But, only a direct question. You must remember, only answer ze question! Nevair elaborate! Keep your silence after each answer. Zat way, you might not ‘ave to let anyzing slip out!”

I sighed heavily and ran my hand through my hair as I thought about what she had said. Finally, I stood up.

“I’ll leave on Wednesday. I should be back by the weekend,” I said decisively. “And I shall be staying at the Leaky Cauldron.”

Madame Maxime stood up, dwarfing me.  “I will see you at dinner, ma petite. Eet is cool today. Wear your cloak, eef you go out for a walk. Per’aps you will go to ze bridge over ze river?” she said meaningfully.

I smiled politely, and took my leave of her. When I went out for my walk, I didn’t wear my cloak. And I didn’t go down to the bridge, I went to the rose walk. I didn’t want to do as she had hinted I should, and think. Thinking was too problematic. I couldn’t stand the arguments I kept having with myself.
 

My journey to London was every bit as hellish as my journey to France had been, and when Tom, the barkeep at the Leaky Cauldron, saw me, he left a pint of butterbeer half-poured and came around to greet me, showing me to my room straight away. I supposed it would not be good for business if someone came in to the bar from outside to see one of its customers looking so ill, I thought wryly.

My heart sank when I saw the room. It was the same one I had occupied on my last visit there, when Severus had come to me in the night to send me back to Hogwarts after telling me he loved me for the first time. As if I needed a reminder of him.

“I’m sorry, Tom, but do you have any other rooms free?” I pleaded.

“Oh, sorry miss, no, I don’t. We’re full up tonight, and tomorrow too, for that matter. It’s because of the trial,” he continued, dropping his voice and leaning in to me conspiratorially. “Big Hogwarts contingent staying here too, but then, you’d know that, wouldn’t you, miss?”

“Thank you, Tom,” I muttered, going inside and shutting the door. I sank on to the bed, faint with shock. I had known, of course, deep down, that they would be here. Where else would they stay? I berated myself for my lack of foresight. I couldn’t face seeing them, not any of them, but especially not Severus, even though my heart was aching for him. Wretchedly, I curled up into a ball and buried the sound of my sobs in the pillow.

Evening came, and I didn’t dare leave my room. Madame Maxime had sent me on my way with some food, namely a demi-pain, some cured ham, and fruit. I ate these now, and drank water from the tap, even though my stomach was roiling and churning. As with everything else in my life at that moment, I did it for my baby, not for myself.

I slept only fitfully that night, and woke with a headache and memories of troubling dreams. When Hermione knocked on my door the next morning and I opened it to find her standing there with so much concern on her face, I forgot my previous coldness with her and greeted her with open arms.

“Oh, Ella, I’ve missed you! Where were you last night? I was waiting for you to come down to the bar and see us, but you never came, and Professor Dumbledore wouldn’t let me come to get you!”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t face – anyone.”

“That’s what Dumbledore said. And Professor Snape stayed up in the bar all night, I think, in case you went down. Remus had to share a room with him, and he says he didn’t come to bed at all. I wish I could have shared with you.”

“Slow down Hermione, pause for breath, can’t you?” I muttered, rubbing my forehead with my forefingers, trying to take in everything she had said. He was here. He was here; he’d been waiting for me. I needed to see him. I should have gone to him last night. No. No, I shouldn’t, and it was lucky I’d eaten in my room, and not had anything from the kitchens that could have been tampered with. I needed to keep a clear head.

“…And anyway, we’ll all be travelling together.” Hermione finished.

“What? What did you say?”

“Oh, never mind. Look, everyone will be gathering downstairs soon. We’re all going by Floo, like I said. Come on, we have to go. It’s so good to see you!”

“Hermione, I…I don’t know if I can – see him again.”

She touched my arm, and looked at me seriously. “But he loves you, Ella. I mean, really loves you.”

My eyes filled with tears. “You can’t know that.”

“Oh, I think I can! And I know he’d love the baby too. He’s been vile since you’ve been gone. Far more bad tempered than usual. Come back to Hogwarts with us, when this is all over? Please? He was quite nice when he was happy!”

I looked at her helplessly.

“I can’t!”

“But why?”

“Oh, drop it, Hermione! Just – just drop it!” I shouted, unable to take any more and beginning to be suspicious of her tenacity. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Grabbing my cloak I swept past her, out into the corridor, drying my eyes on the back of my hand as I descended the stairs, weak-kneed.

When I went into the bar everyone was there apart from Severus.

“Ella!” Sirius said, hugging me fiercely and then holding my shoulders, looking into my eyes. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better,” I admitted. “How’s your nose?”

He grimaced, and replied, “As good as new now. Poppy fixed it up.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“Not your fault.”

I turned to greet the others – Remus, Harry and Dumbledore.

“Where – where is he? Where’s Professor Snape?” I asked tremulously, looking around the room anxiously and then at each of them in turn.

“Ah, he went on ahead, Ella. About ten minutes ago,” answered the Headmaster. “We will meet him there,” he continued, fixing me with a meaningful gaze over the top of his half-moon spectacles.

“I see,” I whispered, desperately disappointed and yet relieved that he wasn’t still sitting at the bar waiting for me, irrational though I knew that notion was.

Dumbledore turned to the others.

“You go on ahead. Ella and I will follow momentarily. Wait for us.”

One by one, the four stepped into the fireplace, first Remus, then Hermione, Harry and Sirius. Four flashes of green fire left the Headmaster and I alone. His hands clasped in front of him, he slowly walked up to me. I stood tensely, with my arms folded, biting my bottom lip and looking at the floor. I might as well have been eleven years old again, waiting to see my teacher Professor Dumbledore about an unfinished essay.

“How have you been, Ella?” he asked kindly. I shrugged and shook my head slightly.

“Madam Maxime has been very kind.”

“Indeed. I know you will be looked after well there. Until you are ready to come home.”

I lifted my eyes and met his steady gaze. “How can you be so sure I ever will? I’m not!”

He smiled kindly. “We are, each and every one of us, the sum of our experiences. Once you understand who you are, and how you became who you are, you will know where you belong. Now, are you ready?”

My headache pounding, I simply stared at him uncomprehendingly, and followed him to the fireplace.

We arrived in a long, windowless corridor, panelled in oak to chest height, and painted above in that sickly shade of green that used to be so favoured in Muggle hospitals the world over. The corridor was empty, but the Headmaster knew exactly where we had to go, walking purposefully a little way along until he reached a set of heavy double doors where the rest of our party was waiting. They creaked open as he tapped them with his wand, and, filled with apprehension, I followed the others as they filed inside.


 

Chapter 27 -- Loneliness is the Cloak You Wear

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

Well take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

Well take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
And that's what I've got to face

Now take a look at me now
I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've got to take
Take a look at me now

(Phil Collins)

The room was long and grey, with a row of narrow sash windows all down one side. A table of solid oak stretched half its length, with at least thirty red velvet-upholstered chairs set at it. The room had been empty when we entered, save for one person. Severus. He stood at the far end of the room, dressed in a high-collared black frock coat and black trousers, both very heavily buttoned. Armour plated, I thought. His arms were folded, and he was staring out of one of the windows. He did not turn as we came in, not at first. All I could see, and cope with seeing, was his back. His broad back, his narrow waist. The back of his head, his black hair curling down past his collar, flicking out at the bottom the way I knew so well. As I moved further into the room his profile was revealed by degrees, his aquiline nose, his strong chin, that stray lock of hair that I was always tempted to brush back from his face. Seeing him was a physical jolt for me, knocking all the air from my lungs. I couldn't breathe. My legs wobbled and I gripped the back of a chair to stop myself falling. Someone took my arm, saying,  "Ella, are you okay?"

It was Harry. I didn't answer, for Severus had turned at the sound of my name and he was staring down the room at me, his eyes boring into mine, piercing my soul. Of their own volition, it seemed, my legs began to propel me to him, and I ran, ran to him, flung my arms around his waist, buried my face in his chest and breathed him in, melting into him as his strong arms enfolded me, welcoming me home, and he whispered my name into my hair. And then I blinked, and I hadn’t moved at all. I was still rooted to the spot and shaking, with Harry's hand still on my shoulder.

"Ella?" Harry repeated.

Severus' voice was low, but years of teaching had modulated it so that it carried perfectly, all the way down the room, and I could hear the icy malevolence in his tone as he said,

"Mister Potter, I think you'll find that Miss Redemte does not like to share her thoughts nowadays. Luckily for the prosecuting counsel, the Veritaserum should help to loosen her tongue!"

He approached as he spoke, his arms still folded, and I sank into the nearest chair, overwhelmed by him. No-one spoke, and he stopped a few feet away from me. From the expression on his face, it appeared that he would have preferred to be on the other side of the world. Our eyes were locked and I had to use every ounce of self-control I possessed to stop mine from welling up with tears. The tension in the air could have been cut with a knife. He evidently loathed me, I decided. He was just looking for another opportunity to carry out his plan, since I had thwarted it once already. My heart was screaming at me that no, no, it wasn't that at all, he loved me, he was desperately hurt at my inexplicable rejection of him, and was retaliating in the only way he knew how. My inner turmoil made me gasp out loud,
"Ah!" and I felt short of breath, and dizzy. Concern flashed across his face and he took a step towards me. His hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out to me, before he collected himself.

Just then, the door opened and the prosecuting counsel walked in. As Severus wrenched his eyes from mine and, along with Dumbledore, turned to greet her, Hermione leaned over me and hissed in my ear,

"Ella, your blood pressure! Have you had it checked lately, because I think it's sky high!"

"Yes, it's been up, okay? Is it any wonder?" I muttered back, before turning my attention to the new arrival.

She was tall, blonde and glacial, and I wondered whether any Veela blood ran through her veins. Her hair was tied back and coiled into an elaborate knot at the nape of her neck. Half moon spectacles, which I was convinced were only worn for effect, were perched on the end of her nose, and she wore short black robes over a knee length black dress. She had very long legs. Her gaze took in the whole room before coming to rest, with a flicker of appreciation, on Severus. I hated her.

"This is Miss Kovich," said Severus in his silkiest voice, smiling expansively. I hated him too. "She's been telling me all about what to expect today."

I bet she has, I thought grimly.

She gave us a businesslike smile, and flipped through some papers in her portfolio.

"Two representatives from the Ministry and the counsel for the defence will be here shortly to administer the Veritaserum," she said in a cut-glass accent. "You will then be escorted to the courtroom. You will sit on the witness benches. You will not speak to one another at all until after you have given evidence and taken your place on the public benches."

"I trust that your questioning of our two star witnesses will not be too stringent?" asked Severus pleasantly, indicating Hermione and me with a sweep of his arm.

"They had to live through the episode not once, but twice, and then recount it several times, and since it is not Voldemort on trial here, but Malfoy, I sincerely hope, for their sake, that your questions will be confined to the actual event of their abduction, and not the terrible ordeal that ensued?" he finished, with raised eyebrows and another predatory smile.

Miss Veela looked flustered, and with her hand fluttering to her throat in a most unprofessional manner, she replied, "Oh, no, of course, there is no need whatsoever...of course, I’m afraid I can't speak for my learned friend..."

"Of course!" finished Severus, turning back to Hermione and me and giving us a penetrating stare before folding his arms and returning to the window.

I didn't know what to think. Severus had just removed one of my greatest fears about the trial; the fear that I might be questioned about what Voldemort had done to me and that I would have to tell the whole court, including Severus, that I was pregnant. I felt so pathetically grateful, I ached to run to him. But then I had second thoughts, as I always did these days - of course, it would not be in Severus' best interests for the court to make me admit I was to have a baby, because then he wouldn't be able to rid himself of it with impunity. Sighing inwardly, and trying not to stare at him, I steeled myself to stay true to what I believed, and what had sent me away from him in the first place.

The doors creaked open once again, and the defence counsel entered, with two Ministry of Magic representatives, one of whom was carrying a box full of vials of Veritaserum. One official dispensed the clear potion to each of us in turn, while the other ticked our names off a list he held once both were satisfied we had drunk it.
It tasted bitter, and when I had swallowed it I felt coldness spread from my throat outwards, icy tendrils rushing through my body like sharp frost on a windowpane. The feeling wore off after a few moments and we all looked at one another uneasily.

"Please follow me," instructed Miss Veela, whose real name I no longer cared to remember, and we filed out slowly. Severus stood at the door, black and brooding, his presence overpowering, and he fell into step beside me as I walked past him. I dared not look at him and was painfully aware of how near to me he was walking. But oh, not near enough, and I had to swallow the moan of frustration that threatened to escape from my lips as I tried not to slip my arms around his waist, as if we were opposite poles of two magnets.

"This should be interesting!" he muttered maliciously in an undertone. His low voice sent a shiver down my spine and I didn't trust myself to answer. "Tell me," he continued, "What do you think of our esteemed counsel for the prosecution?"
The Veritaserum compelled me to respond.

"I loathe her, because I think she wants to sleep with you, and she mentally undresses you every time she looks at you."

He laughed bitterly. "And the thought of me with her upsets you, doesn’t it?"

"Yes!" I snarled. "And will you? Will you sleep - have sex with her?" I phrased my question carefully.

He struggled not to answer but could not deny the potion.

"No!" he spat out, forcefully, glaring at me and striding on ahead into the courtroom, his fists clenched. Covering my mouth with my hand to stifle my relief, I followed in his wake.

The courtroom had been described to me, and so I had known what to expect, but nothing had prepared me for the way the place felt. Harry took my hand and squeezed it gently, saying,

“It’ll be okay, Ella. Soon over.”

“It’s so – so loaded with memories. They’re almost palpable!”

“Yes, I know. I’ve been here before – not really here, but I once used Dumbledore’s Pensieve. It’s creepy in here.”

Our small group was directed to sit on the end of the two front benches along the right side of the room. Serried rows of benches, all occupied, were on all four sides of the windowless room. A single chair stood in the middle and I shivered as I saw the chains attached to its arms and legs. I shivered even more when I realised who was sitting directly behind me. Severus’ gaze burned into the back of my head and it was all I could do not to turn round and lose myself in it.

I was so relieved that he wasn’t going to sleep with that woman, and that he had wasted an opportunity to ask me a really penetrating question about why I left him. Instead he had demonstrated to me how hurt he was by lashing out at me, trying to make me jealous.

My thoughts were interrupted then by the arrival of Lucius Malfoy, flanked by two guards. Two and a half months in a Ministry of Magic cell had done nothing to put a dent in his self-importance, and he looked as arrogant and as aristocratic as ever. He stalked straight over to the chair in the middle of the room and sat down elegantly, looking all around him with disdain, and not even flinching when the manacles magically attached themselves to his wrists and ankles.

I was horrified to see him turn to Hermione and me as this was happening with a slow, mocking curl of his lip. I heard Severus’ sharp intake of breath behind me and knew that he too had seen the defiant gesture. Slowly I turned in my seat and looked up at him. I didn’t know what I expected to see in his eyes, or why I had been compelled to find out, but he looked down at me intently, and nodded.
I turned back to face the front once more, my heart pounding in my chest and the sound of its pumping loud in my ears. He had spoken volumes with just one look. He had shown me that despite what had happened between us, he was there for me, supporting me, willing me to be strong. Harry, sitting on my left, took my hand again and squeezed it reassuringly, and I let it rest in his.

I was the first witness to be called to the stand. I was led by one of the court ushers to a small lectern near to an empty bench diagonally opposite the witness benches, and my questioning began. Miss Veela was as good as her word, and asked me only questions pertaining to my actual abduction from the Forbidden Forest by Malfoy, and our arrival on the plateau. I was very nervous, my eyes flicking between a smirking Malfoy, the counsel, and Severus, from whose constant gaze I drew my strength.

My cross-examination, by Malfoy’s lawyer, was far more problematic. He asked me to describe what Malfoy had been doing while Voldemort was occupied with Hermione and me, and later our five rescuers, as if any evidence of his inactivity or absence then could have exonerated him! I remembered Madame Maxime’s sage advice and kept my answers very short, monosyllabic where I could. I could see approval in Severus’ eyes as he willed me on. And then, at last, it was all over and I was allowed to stand down.

I sank into my seat on the opposite side of the room now, and looked across at Severus, but now that I had done my duty he would no longer meet my gaze.
I was miserable. My head was spinning with conflicting emotions and I was barely even aware of Hermione’s testimony in the stand, except that it was somewhat shorter than mine. Yet again the insistent voice inside my head was doing its worst, telling me that Severus was not so concerned for me as he appeared, and it warned me not to let down my guard. So it was that when he finally looked at me once more, as Harry took the stand, I studiously looked away.

One by one we had all given our evidence under Veritaserum, and there could surely be no doubt as to Malfoy’s guilt. As the judge delivered the verdict I breathed a sigh of relief, noticing Malfoy’s ever-present smirk transform into a scowl of sheer outrage as he snapped his head round to look from the judge to the Minister of Magic himself, Cornelius Fudge, who was shifting in his seat looking very uncomfortable. I remembered what Severus had said about Fudge and wondered just how deeply he had been in Malfoy’s pocket.

As the judge pronounced sentence – Azkaban, of course – Fudge blanched and Malfoy shouted, “You won’t hear the end of this! Someone will pay for this outrage!”

His invective could still be heard as the guards dragged him from the courtroom, slamming the door behind them. The room was filled with excited chatter as everyone filed out, except for we seven, who were silent, and a loudly dressed woman with an acid green quill, which was scribbling furiously across a large sheet of parchment.

We were led back to the room with the large table by Miss Veela, who looked at Severus expectantly and was ignored. He was too busy glaring at me, making me feel uncomfortable, although that in no way spoiled my enjoyment of watching her disappointed exit.

“Professor Dumbledore, how long will it be before the Veritaserum wears off?” asked Hermione, glancing at me anxiously.

“Oh, any time now!” twinkled the Headmaster.

“In that case,” said Severus, advancing on me determinedly, “now might be a good time for Ella and me to have a few moments alone!”

“Ah, no, Severus, I don’t think so. We’re all drained and in need of a good rest. I believe we should all go back to the Leaky Cauldron for butterbeer.”

Severus glared at the Headmaster, his mouth twisting in an unpleasant sneer as he turned on his heel and stalked back to the other end of the room. Dumbledore gave the impression that he was completely unaware of Severus’ reaction as he turned back to us and said brightly,

“Shall we?” before casting a meaningful look in my direction. Pale and shaking, close to tears yet again, I nodded my thanks.

I was the first of our party to stumble out of the fireplace at the Leaky Cauldron. As I stood shaking the dust and soot from my robes Severus emerged behind me, coming up to within inches of me and saying urgently, “Ella, we need to talk! ”

I whirled round, and began to back away from him, unable to bear his proximity.
“Oh, Severus, I don’t – “ I began, as my back pressed painfully into the corner of a wooden pillar. I was trapped.

“There’s nobody here to rescue you from me this time, Ella! Albus was sidetracked by Fudge, so don’t bother looking round me for him!”

“I don’t need anyone’s help! I can look after myself, I always have!”

“Yes, and I know that’s the truth! But I didn’t think you wanted to live like that any more! Now, tell me the truth, Ella, do you still love me?”

“Yes!” I admitted.

“Then come back with me!”

“I can’t, Severus, I’m sorry – I just need time – “

“Time for what?” he expostulated, gripping my shoulders. He was trying to catch my gaze, but I didn’t dare look him in the eye. I searched around desperately for something to focus on, eventually pinning my eyes on the row of buttons that ended underneath his chin. His touch was intoxicating and made me wilt with longing, and I knew that if he kissed me I would be lost.

“For pity’s sake, tell me! What’s going on?”

I said a silent prayer of thanks that the Veritaserum was wearing off as I prevaricated, “I need time on my own, to think…”

“About what?”

I wouldn’t answer, and he realised that I had overcome the last traces of the potion.

“Oh, fine, don’t tell me!”

He released me roughly, pushing himself away from me. Running his hand through his hair in agitation, he stalked out of the room, muttering harshly with a catch in his throat,

“Consider that your last chance. Stay away from me from now on.”

I was left staring after him, weak and trembling, yearning to follow.

Sirius burst out of the fireplace almost at a run, quickly followed by Dumbledore. Seeing my agitation, Sirius said  “Where’s he gone?”

I pointed to the door, miserably.

“Are you okay?”

“Do I look like I’m okay?” I snapped before bursting into tears. “I want to go back to Beauxbatons now. Tonight. I’m going to go and pack.”

When I descended the staircase into the bar once more, my bag in my hand, they were all still there, waiting for me. All except for Severus. I had had time to compose myself once more and although I would miss my friends I was still not sure which of them I could fully trust, apart from Sirius and Harry. I said my goodbyes and stepped into the fireplace. As I shouted out the destination for the first leg of my journey, “La Toque Blanche, au Havre!” I saw Severus standing in the doorway at the far side of the room, his face bleak with despair. Then I was gone, tumbling through blackness, his image imprinted on my eyelids, his last words to me still ringing in my ears.
 

By the time I had reached the pension it had closed for the night, and the bartender was wiping down the bar. Since I had not been expected to return until the following day, having originally intended to spend another night at the Leaky Cauldron, there was no cart waiting to return me to the chateau. I was not about to try to apparate, and so I arranged to take a room for the night. Then, I sent an owl to the chateau to request that somebody collect me early the next morning. At last, I curled up in the high feather bed in my attic room, and cried myself to sleep with tears of both anguish and relief, in roughly equal measure.

Hung over and swollen-eyed the next morning from crying, I had a foul headache and an even fouler temper. I spared the kindly innkeeper from the worst of it by breakfasting in my room, pausing on my way out only to settle my bill. The donkey cart pulled up as I went outside, and I climbed in without a word. The little round wizard, for it was he, looked at me, perplexed, and beyond the usual pleasantries we passed the journey in silence. When we arrived at the chateau I thanked him and apologised for my sombre mood. He simply smiled sympathetically and murmured something about “l’amour” and how “difficile” it could be, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I went to bed as soon as I reached my room, and remained there for the rest of the day.

Madame Maxime sent word towards evening that she expected to see me before dinner, for aperitifs. When I entered the salon, she was alone, and looked at me kindly as she patted the seat next to hers. I sat down, and she took one of my hands in both of her great ones, saying, “Eet eez all over, yes?”

“Yes. Malfoy’s gone to Azkaban. Kicking and screaming all the way, I think.”

“And you were strong?”

“I tried.”

“’E was zere? ‘E knows yet, about ze baby?”

“No. I mean, yes, he was there, but it’s still a secret.” I paused, and she waited for me to continue. “He – he wanted me to explain, and I couldn’t. He told me – oh, God, he told me to stay away from him!”

I broke down, and she patted my hand soothingly. “But zis is what you want, no?”

“No! I don’t know! All I know is, I miss him, and I want to be with him and I can’t! I can’t trust him any more, so why is it I still love him? I can’t explain, don’t make me explain! Just let me stay here till the baby’s born, and then I’ll – I’ll - I don’t know, but just let me stay!”

“But of course you can stay, cherie! As long as you wish! But I zink, you will follow your ‘eart in ze end, zere will come ze time when you will see clearly what you must do.”

She produced a large square of embroidered white linen, a handkerchief the size of a dinner napkin. I blew my nose noisily and took deep, shuddering breaths as I calmed down, thinking, not for the first time, that she and Dumbledore were uncannily alike, and wondering how they could both sound so confident when predicting my future. Even I didn’t know what on earth I was going to do, so how could they be so sure I’d work it out?


 

Chapter 28 -- Give Me So Much Love That I Forget Myself
 

When all that’s good seems to wear you down
When the river is far and wide
And you can’t stand up for falling down
You’re a believer who’s found they lied

Try…to find a way
Try…to say goodbye to yesterday
Goodbye to yesterday…say goodbye…

When you push they push on you
It’s hand to mouth and day to day
Do you have your baggage or do your bags have you?
You’re doing fine – it’s not too late
To lay your burden down and walk through Heaven’s gate

Try… to find a way
Try…to say goodbye to yesterday
Goodbye to yesterday
Say goodbye
You’ve got to find a way to say goodbye…

(Neal Morse – ‘Goodbye to Yesterday’ – Spock’s Beard)


Days passed, then weeks, and I was left more or less to my own devices. Madam Maxime was a gracious hostess but seemed to accept my desire for solitude. We would walk together several times a week, but she never questioned me again about my reasons for fleeing Hogwarts this time. I was relieved that she did not push me for answers I wasn’t ready to give.

I thought about Severus constantly at first. It seemed that every time I used the emerald he was pensive, brooding. Melancholy. I missed him so desperately that I packed my bags five times in the three weeks following my return from London. Even though I would lie awake at night, aching so much to feel the strength of his arms around me that it physically hurt, I always managed to talk myself out of leaving my sanctuary, and my bags never even got as far as my salon before I unpacked them again.

Gradually, however, I began to come to terms with my situation, and I even learnt to subdue the dissenting voice in my head that begged me to return home.

I used the emerald less and less, then on one occasion when I did and he was in a rage, spitting venom at a hapless sixth year, part of me felt justified in shoving it to the back of my dresser drawer and 'forgetting' about it. When I thought of him now, I made myself concentrate on his temper, his sarcasm, his Dark Mark, and his past. His power over me. His ability to hurt me. That way, I convinced myself I was right to leave him. I was talking myself out of loving him.

I saw the Beauxbatons nurse each week and was comforted to find that all was well. I was lucky to be able to take advantage of her excellent midwifery skills, which had come in all too useful at a school where so many of the female students had Veela blood and whose hormones ran riot as they reached adulthood.

As I progressed towards the middle of my second trimester the sickness wore off and I began to bloom. I also became more aware of my baby as it moved inside me, the first fluttering taking me by surprise as I lay in bed one morning. I had been awake for a few minutes when I noticed it, a small stirring deep inside me, and I held my breath, not daring to move, in case I missed it happen again. When I felt a second tiny kick inside me I laughed out loud, placing both hands over my rounded tummy, waiting for more.
I was about to get up when I heard through my open window the sound of someone arriving in the courtyard accompanied by a flurry of giggling schoolgirls.

“What on earth’s going on out there?” I wondered, then heard mellifluous male laughter and realised whose arrival had caused such a stir.

“What’s he doing here?” I thought, not unhappily. Dressing quickly, I had only just finished dragging a brush through my hair when there came a loud knock at my door.

I opened the door and the new arrival enfolded me in a warm embrace.

“Ella! It’s been a month since the trial, and we’ve had no word from you at all! How are you?”

“I’m fine, but oh! Sirius, it’s so good to see you! I’ve missed you!”

I wiped tears from my eyes as I led him into my small salon.

“Well, a hug from me doesn’t usually reduce people to tears… in fact, I got quite a welcome out there!” he said, grinning, as he flopped on to one of the overstuffed sofas, pulling me down next to him.

“Mmm, so I heard,” I said dryly.

“So, Hermione and Remus send their love,” he said conversationally. “Hermione’s studying furiously, of course. Oh, and, er, I think Snape still misses you…” he trailed off, watching me closely.

My eyes brimmed with tears, and I stood up, walking across to the window.

“And so here we are again!” he mused. “History repeating itself, although I must say, I’m glad we’re here and not back at Durmstrang!”

I gave a hollow laugh and half turned towards him, glancing at him quickly through my tears.

“My God…” he breathed, realisation evident in his voice as he stared at my profile, noticing the alteration in it for the first time. “Ella, you’re not-“ He scrambled to his feet and, crossing the room to me in three easy strides, placed his hands on my shoulders and looked at me searchingly, “How long have you known? - Does Snape know?”

I hung my head and sank forwards into Sirius’ arms. Gently he held me, stroking my hair, rocking me.

“No, I couldn’t tell him.”

“Whyever not?”

“I just couldn’t!”

“And that’s why you ran away?”

“Yes. No. I can’t tell you why, Sirius, but I had to leave.”

“You could have told me, Ella. Does anybody at Hogwarts know?”

“Hermione knows, and Madam Pomfrey. I don’t know about Remus, or the Headmaster.”

“Well, how long did you intend keeping it a secret? He’ll have to know sooner or later!”

“I don’t know! Oh, Sirius, leave it, please! I can’t talk about this now!” and I pulled away from him, sitting down once more.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” he said, puzzled.

“Look, I’ll take you down to the kitchens, we can get a late breakfast. You can tell me all the gossip from Hogwarts.”

“Even the stuff that concerns you?” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“No, not that. Not just yet, anyway.”

Sirius was good company and over the next few days I appreciated his presence more than I could say. He lifted me out of myself and even made me laugh. Sometimes he would study me when he thought I wasn’t looking, speculatively, as if he was wondering what I was thinking. Every time I felt the conversation might be heading towards areas I wasn’t ready to discuss, though, I would change the subject and he would sigh ruefully.

The French countryside was beautiful and we would often take a horse and cart out for the day, buying wine, baguettes, pate and cheese from small village delicatessens, picnicking on a bench in the village square or, more often than not, in the shade of an oak tree in the middle of a field, or beside a babbling brook.

I felt slightly guilty from time to time and wondered what Severus was doing. I left the emerald shut away in its drawer, because I knew what I would see in it were I to look, and I didn’t want my heart to break. It was far easier to pretend that Severus was part of my past, irrevocably, and to live in the present. Sirius made me happy, as far as he could. He was a good friend, and if I let him hug me for longer than was, strictly speaking, proper between friends, then I told myself it wasn’t because of the way his strong arms and long dark hair reminded me of my lost love.

On the Tuesday of the second week in April, ten days after Sirius arrived, the weather was unseasonably hot. We took the horse and cart out in the afternoon and followed a small winding track we had first seen a few days before, which branched off from the main road leading to the nearest village. We had speculated as to where it led, and had decided to satisfy our curiosity. As we had suspected, the track dipped and weaved through fields and small copses until it climbed to a ruined cottage halfway up a small incline. There was an old well in the garden, with a wooden pail still attached to a rope beside it, and when Sirius drew some water from the well we discovered that it was clear and quite palatable. The old mare was glad of our find, and we left her drinking from the pail while we ascended what remained of the hill on foot, to see whether we would be able to see Beauxbatons.

The best part of twenty minutes later, we were at the top. I had taken the admittedly gentle climb very slowly, with Sirius’ help, but I was still breathless and exhausted. “Here, sit down,” he said solicitously. “I shouldn’t have dragged you up here, it was too much-“

“I’m fine!” I protested. “I’m not ill!”

Nevertheless, I collapsed on to the grass and lay back, groaning with relief. Sirius laughed and sat down beside me, shielding his eyes against the sun as he scoured the rolling countryside for sight of the chateau.

“Look, it’s there, I can see it through the trees. It’s quite a long way off.”
Sighing and propping myself up on my elbows, I followed his pointing finger.

“Very interesting. Got anything to drink?”

“Damn, sorry, no. I left everything in the cart! Shall we go back down now?”

“You must be joking! I need a rest,” I grumbled.

He leant back on one elbow and smiled at me. “Pregnancy agrees with you.”

“You reckon?”

“Yes, you’re quite delightful when you’re grumpy!”

My heart lurched. I knew he hadn’t meant to, but Sirius had reminded that that was just the way I felt about Severus, and I suddenly ached to see him. At that moment the baby, obviously feeling that my exertion had not winded me sufficiently, chose to kick me forcefully, and I started, saying, “Oh!”

“What? What is it?”

I took his hand and placed it on my stomach, pressing it down firmly a palm’s width below my ribs.  “There! Can you feel it?”

“Er…no…”

“Oh well. Maybe it’s still too small yet,” I said.

Sirius didn’t take his hand away, however, he simply looked into my eyes thoughtfully. Suddenly I felt something wet on my cheek, first one drop and then another, and I realised it had started to rain.

“Where did all those clouds come from?” I complained, struggling to a sitting position so that Sirius could help me up.

”Great, a storm!” he said dryly. “Come on, we’ll get soaked!”

Sirius held my arm as we walked down the hill as quickly as I was able, and by the time we reached the cottage the sky was black.

“I think we’d better shelter,” he said grimly, although the rain had already plastered our hair to our faces and soaked our clothes through. We went inside and found a room that was not fully open to the sky. I shivered as the wind whistled through the cottage, and Sirius stepped towards me, gazing into my eyes as he brushed a dripping lock of hair away from my face.

“Drip drip drip, little April showers!” he smiled.

Holding my arms out from my sides as the fabric of my blouse clung to them wetly, I muttered, “Why do you have to be so relentlessly cheerful?”

His smile faded and he regarded me thoughtfully with an indulgent sigh.
I returned his gaze levelly, saw that his eyes were black, the irises almost gone, and I let his arms enfold me in a close embrace. I closed my eyes then and I could almost fool myself that it was Severus holding me. I slipped my arms around his waist and felt him exhale, breathing into my hair as he held me. His shirt was soaked and it stuck to his back. After a few moments he pulled back slightly and looked down at me, lifting one hand to my face in order to tilt it up to his. He gazed at me intently for a long moment, then bent his head and kissed me gently, his lips brushing mine hesitantly at first, then lingering as I did not pull away. His lips were warm and soft, but not as pliant as Severus’, and he didn’t taste the same. Withdrawing from him a little, I said softly, “Do you have your wand? We need to get dry,” and stepped back from him. The mood was broken, and we felt awkward now. We had crossed an invisible line and we both knew it.

The storm passed quickly, and we returned to the chateau, an uncomfortable silence between us now. I was exhausted, and told Sirius I would see him at dinner. Lying on my bed, I went over the afternoon’s events in my mind until sleep claimed me.

I woke an hour later, rested and quite refreshed. I showered quickly and arrived at dinner just as everyone else had started. Sirius rose to greet me, smiling uncertainly, and I gave him a warm smile in return. I didn’t want there to be any awkwardness between us, he was too good a friend for that.
Later we joined Madam Maxime on the terrace for liqueurs, as was the habit now that the weather had improved, and to my relief we were soon conversing easily again. However, I soon felt tired once more, and when I rose to return to my room Sirius said he would accompany me to my door and then retire himself.

I took his proffered arm as we strolled along the blue-carpeted corridors, chatting animatedly about the relative comforts, or otherwise, of Beauxbatons, Hogwarts and Durmstrang, responding to the paintings of ladies with fine dresses and pompadours who wished us a coy ‘bonne nuit’ as we passed.

At last we arrived at my door and I turned to face Sirius, fondly placing both hands on his shoulders and reaching up to kiss him lightly on the cheek. His hands rested on my hips, and as I withdrew he leant down and swiftly captured my lips with his own. Taken by surprise for the second time that day, I didn’t want to pull away. Instead I snaked my arms around his neck and returned his kiss, gently at first but then with more hunger as his arms held me closer, the way Severus’ arms used to, enfolding me, making me feel safe, wanted, and loved. His tongue flicked against my teeth and I opened my mouth wider, welcoming him inside. He smelled different, he tasted different, but I needed to taste him all the same, and our tongues circled round and round, exploring, enquiring, accepting.

My legs felt weak, and I let him support me as I leaned against him, my head falling back as he trailed ardent kisses along my cheek and down my neck. I had so needed to be held like this, had missed the closeness so much, and as I clung to him, overwhelmed by memories I had been trying for weeks to subdue, I moaned “Severus! Oh, Severus!”

We froze, and after long seconds he straightened and we broke apart.

“I- I- Sirius, I’m so sorry-“ I stammered, embarrassed and confused. Sirius ran his hand through his hair, brushing it from his face, and looked at me, sadness and understanding in his eyes.

“So am I.”

He sighed heavily then, and, taking both my hands in his, said gently,

“Do you think we can talk now? About why you left him?”

I nodded, opened my door, and led him inside.
 

Chapters 29-31
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