I, Snape - Chapter Five

A Tale of Three Witches, Part II

Althea finished the spell and quickly burned the unicorn hide parchment. Her timing was exquisite, a huge full moon hung overhead, her potion was on the mark and even her calligraphy was a thing of beauty. If only she had turned the page of the book to read the warning not to use this spell if the two people were not already lovers.

&&&

The Planet of the Cat Women

Commander Snape checked his flight plan and then checked his instrument panel. He pounded once on the equipment, completely frustrated that it was still obviously out of whack. However, he didn’t expect to survive this crash landing, anyway. He’d soon be dead like the rest of his crew. Their corpses had all been jettisoned out to space, one at a time with a proper ceremony. Navigator Hooch, Artilleryman Malfoy, Science Officer Macnair, and Engineer Nott-- heck they hadn’t just been his crew, they’d been his friends and family. And then there was Admiral Tom Riddle. Commander Snape had put him into the deep freeze locker. As his Commanding Officer, he felt it was only fit that Riddle would be receiving a burial on the new planet. Not good old Earth, but some strange new land. They had planned to conquer it, but a meteor storm changed everything.

The entire crew and its top officer were lost. If Snape hadn’t been in back, trying to plug a leak leading to the fuel supply, he would have died too when the meteor struck the bridge. Eventually he’d gone outside and repaired the one-foot square hole left by the chunk of ice rock. Sadly, it made no difference to the crew. Death by decompression had come instantly. The last six weeks of traveling by himself in total isolation had been a test of his sanity.

Unfortunately, there was no way back to Earth. Too much fuel had been lost, so it was a one-way trip to the mysterious planet that Earth scientists believed held life. Snape no longer cared. When Hooch was lost, the universe had lost it’s light.

&&&

The ship should have crashed. Commander Snape should have died. And yet, at the last moment, something, which felt like a huge hand, grabbed it and set it down into a perfect three-point landing. Commander Snape gave a grim smile. Though the air was oxygen rich, it seemed a hostile environment in that there were no signs of life anywhere. He saw no vegetation, no water, just sand and rocks.

“Six months to come to this place,” he growled. And yet, he felt proud of his achievement. They had all given their lives to come here. “I did it for you, Hooch.”

He buried Admiral Tom Riddle and then he took a backpack of food and water and set off to explore. His instruments still seemed to be on the fritz, so he would just have to trust to luck to find his way back to the ship.

Two days later, Snape was out of food, water and luck. He had walked toward some cliffs that seemed from a distance to have caves in them. But on closer inspection, he could find no way of entering the caves. They were simply too far above the ground. Darkness was falling. Judging from the thickness of his beard, the days were about 10 hours long while the nights lasted about six hours. Snape again cursed that some electrical/magnetic field was disrupting all of his equipment, even the compass and wristwatches. Macnair would have had a field day with the phenomena.

Snape lay down at the base of the cliffs and closed his eyes. His stomach rumbled and he’d have given his right arm for a sip of soda.

&&&

Snape awoke lying on a silk cushion on a marble floor. He was naked except for a jeweled collar on his neck.

“Ah, it awakens,” said a dreamy female voice.

He looked up and met the eyes of a Catwoman, and from the looks of her, the Queen of the Catwomen, herself. Actually, she looked very much like Minerva McGonagall in a leotard, fancy necklace and strange hairdo, but she wasn’t-- for she was the Queen of the Catwomen.

“I am not an ‘it’, I am a man,” Snape says in a low dangerous voice.

There is a collective gasp from the enclave of Catwomen.

“I want him,” states one Catwoman who looks strangely like Hooch.

“No, he’s mine,” says another who reminds Snape of Lily Evans.

They begin to fight, tearing each other’s costumes to shreds exposing rather nice, tasty bits of flesh and making Snape feel rather aroused. His erection battles with his embarrassment in that he has no clothes and the women not betting on the fight are very- extremely- curious as to what is going on between his legs.

“Enough,” shouts the Queen, but not, Snape notices, before the two women are almost completely naked. The Queen eyes Snape and her kitten-like tongue licks her lips.

“The ‘man’ as he calls himself shall satisfy me first. If he is worthy, he shall be allowed to become a Catwoman. If not, he shall be put to a slow, torturous death.”

Snape doesn’t like the sound of either of these two options. Another Catwoman, who looks like Prof. Sprout, attaches a chain leash to his collar and pulls him towards a curtained off alcove wherein there is a circular bed. The Catwoman links his chain to a post by the bed and Snape waits. After a short time, the Queen arrives.

“So, you planned to conquer our planet. But the table has been turned.” The Queen smirks at Snape.

“How do you know this?” asks Snape.

“Mind Control. We sensed you were coming, so we sent that little meteor shower. I hope you enjoyed it.” Her voice drips with sarcasm.

“You Bitch! All of my friends died because of you.” Snape pulls against the chains feverishly but to no avail.

“Self-preservation. It was kill or be killed. Do you think we do not know the ways of MAN!”

Snape looks around himself frantically for a weapon, anything to destroy this foul monster. He throws himself at her again, but her eyes glint with unholy fire as she uses mind control to choke him. He begins to pass out and she releases him.

The Queen gets on the bed and spreads her legs wantonly. They are still covered by the leotards and Snape is unsure of how to proceed.

“Well, hurry up and do a good job of it!” says the Queen in an imperious manner.

&&&

Days later Snape is released from his unholy servitude. His tongue has a charley horse in it; his lips are chapped, raw and bleeding. His beard is long, thick and scraggly.

He is given to the next female to service her-- the one who looks like Sprout. He enters her chamber and resignedly sits on her bed.

She swiftly looks around and then quickly whispers in his ear, “Oh, Mr. Man, how I have longed to be serviced by you. But I do not wish you to be my slave for I have fallen in love with you. With you by my side, we shall overthrow the Queen and you and I shall rule the Planet of the Catwomen together.”

Snape looks at the female with disgust and in an unused voice gravels. “No, it’s my way or the highway, Babe. I’m against all this woman’s equality shite. Look where it has led you. A Planet of Catwomen!

“You need me more than I need you. You don’t want to rule—You need to be ruled! And I’m just the man for it.”

The Catwoman rolls her eyes in admiration. “Yes, yes, dominate me!”

Just at that moment the curtains are torn open and in strides The Queen of the Catwomen! “Pomona, how could you betray me like this?” huffs the Queen.

“Oh, Minnie, don’t you see that this is wrong? We should never have done away with the Catmen!” She frantically tries to cover Snape with her body, but she is pushed aside by the Queen.

“What I see is wrong is his presence among us. Wherever men are there is tyranny and war. But our scientists have examined the problem and have come up with a solution!

“What you see dangling between his legs needs to be removed. Then he will have no more beard and body hair. He will no longer give off that powerful musky aroma that drives us wild, his body will soften and he will have tits like ours. Then he will blend in and be one of us!”

Snape hears her voice reverberate as all the Catwomen take up the chant and he is dragged off to be gelded.

“One of us…
One of us…
One of us…”

&&&

Snape awakens in a complete panic. His bed sheets are wrapped around his neck. He immediately reaches down and reassures himself that his family jewels are all present and accounted for. He is covered in a sheen of sweat and his heart continues to pound as he stares wild eyed into the darkness.

Eventually he goes into the bathroom and, with trembling hand, drinks a cup of water from the tap. He is exhausted and yet afraid to return to bed. Shaking his head, he overcomes his fear.

“S-s-s-s-stupid dream.”

&&&

In another part of the castle, Minerva McGonagall startles awake. She stares into the darkness for a short while before turning to her companion.

“Pomona, Pomona!”

“Hmm. What is it, Love?” asks a groggy Sprout.

“You weren’t diddling me in my sleep by any chance?”

“Min, how could I? I was sound asleep. What’s all this about?”

“I just had the oddest dream,” recalls a very perplexed McGonagall.

“Oooh, want to talk about it? Was I in it?”

“Of course, you were, my love,” McGonagall strokes and kisses her best friend and lover’s hair tenderly. “How could you not have been?”

Sprout sighed. “Well, that’s all right then, isn’t it? Would you like me to diddle you now?”

McGonagall gave her a hug, “No, that’s all right. It just gave me a start. Let’s go back to sleep.”

And spooning together that is exactly what they did.



On to Chapter Six
Back to Chapter Four

Author's Note: Okay, for those wondering where did a Wizard like Snape ever come up with a combo of B-films like Queen of Outer Space and Cat Women of the Moon? Please be patient that will be cleared up.

This has probably been the hardest stretch for me in writing style yet, and if I have fallen flat on my prat, please forgive me. I’ve never attempted to duplicate a B-movie style before.

Frankly, Queen of Outer Space with Zsa Zsa Gabor was one of my all time favorite flicks as a child. I only regret that neither film were available to me at my local rental shop this week.

Here’s a quote from an on-line review of Queen of Outer Space:

“This isn’t to say that Queen Of Outer Space is in any way unique in its treatment of outer space as a masculine sex fantasy playground of buxom ladies with long legs just waiting for the right Earthman to fly them to the moon, so to speak; far from it. Indeed, the pioneer of that little subgenre, Cat Women of the Moon, stands as one of the single funniest (and single worst) movies ever made. But the sheer relentlessness of the sexism in this flick can drive even the most bitter of men to slap their foreheads in amazement. For certain, Queen Of Outer Space is very much the product of another time, but quite frankly, even taken in that context, this flick really is too much.

How bad can it be, you ask? Here’s your litmus test, combining snippets of dialogue with plot situations:

· In reference to a ‘beta disintegrator’ that could destroy the Earth: “How could a bunch of women invent a gizmo like that? [And even] if they did, how could they even aim it? You know what women drivers are like!”

· The Queen Of Outer Space Drinking Game: I dare you to count the number of times someone is called “babe” or “doll”. E.g. “Hiya, dolls. Glad to hear you're on our side.” (Hint: Such a count is not possible, the numbers are too big, and either the viewer will pass out drunk or the viewer's head will explode before a total can be reached, anyway.)

· The first thing that marks any woman on Venus as having any spark of intelligence is her desire to get laid, preferably right now, even if the man involved happens to be a buffoon. All other women are obviously automatons, stupid, or... ya know.

· The Queen Of Outer Space herself, Yllana (Laurie Mitchell, Attack of the Puppet People), who essentially single handedly conquered the entire planet Venus (because none of the men would take her seriously), buries her face in her hands and cries because a man doesn’t thinks she’s pretty and won’t kiss her. Bonus: she continues to try jumping the guy anyway.

· Zsa Zsa Gabor opens her mouth several times, and words come out.”
http://www.reelcriticism.com/ziggyrealm/reviews/queenofouterspace.html

If you get a chance, I hope you will rent these two films. They are putrid and well worth it-- Right up there with Plan 9 from Outer Space, but incredibly sexist!

And, yes, the “One of Us” reference was from Tod Browning’s movie “Freaks.”